I would like to speak about vulnerability in an upcoming post, but I felt it necessary to first be vulnerable with you and let you know you’re not alone in your journey through your shadow, and that creating a better life for yourself requires tough emotional work that all ‘wayshowers’ also face. It’s because we’ve chosen to face the darkness inside ourselves and move through our shadows that we can show you the way. It’s not because we were brought to this earth without darkness and only know how to navigate the light. We know our way through the dark and show you how to find your way through yours.
Just because I’ve decided to pay the knowledge I’ve acquired forward to help others does not make me immune to pain from now on. I’m a human, just like everyone else, and while I have worked damn hard to rise above much of my earlier suffering and bust through many barriers of my mind that kept me trapped, I do still get tripped up in life on occasion.
Currently, I’m stuck in another round of acceptance, release, and surrender. I’ve learnt these lessons before and I understand them so well, but my mind is holding onto an object of my desire so tightly that I am feeling like I’m not able to move forward in my life. My belief is that “I just know it’s going to happen. Why else would I have gone through everything I have?”
If I look back to times where I have held the same belief before, my knowing has proved itself accurate. I’ve learnt to trust it. So how to you release, accept, let go and surrender something you know is going to happen?
Objectively I understand I’m in a process and that I’ll get there, but in the moment, it feels dark, lonely, and scary for me too.
I thought I’d levelled up and let go, but recently I caught its scent again, and now I feel like I’m back at square one: suffering because it’s not in front of me, despite all the work I’ve done on myself to align with it. Despite following every rule in my book of creation, there is a part of me that is really battling to accept the absence of what I want in my current reality, and surrender to the process of it getting there when it’s good and ready.
I am so deeply sad about it. Looking at myself, I feel frustrated because I don’t know how else to let go. I’ve done everything I can. My only sense is that this is a time for me to let go of the pain associated with not having it by allowing myself to feel and acknowledge that I am disappointed. Once I have felt and acknowledged the pain, it will leave and healing will have happened.
From what I can fathom, my current process is one of healing, and what I want can’t be around for that. That’s something I need to do on my own. That’s something we all need to be brave enough to do on our own. What I want will arrive once the pain is all gone and I can smile and be okay without it and not care about it anymore, and not be bothered by it anymore. When I can be happy for it and its success without me. When I can look at it and not feel like I’m in a nightmare because that was meant to be me hand in hand with its success. Only then will I be ready to receive it.
Until then, I need to find my way to surrender with what life wants me to be doing now, but I’m so sure not accepting and surrendering to my current process is what is keeping me from advancing and being ready to be ready. By not accepting the timing aspect of what I am wanting to manifest, I feel I am becoming my own block, and in turn I am being hard on myself. I should know better. And then I’m hard on myself for being hard on myself because I’m just a human and don’t know anything in the grand scheme of things. I should be more gentle with myself I tell myself.
There is also an aspect of self doubt in between moments of clarity and understanding of the process. Moments where I think I’m absolutely crazy and that my feeling and knowing that it’s destined and what I was made for, are just products of my imagination and that I’m lying to myself. Am I in resistance or am I on the right track, right on time? Am I rejecting myself and all logic?
All this back and forth between clarity and confusion is clearly creating an energetic friction and keeping me stuck. If I could just surrender and go with the flow, instead of trying to control how it comes in, then I really wouldn’t care if it happens or not… at least I would be out of this conflict inside myself and have found some peace. At this point, I feel that’s all I want. To be free of my pain and at peace inside myself.
Sometimes I have moments where I feel life has been cruel, and that there has to be a reason for me to have experienced the things I have and the pain I’ve felt. There has to be a reason for it all. Wasn’t I perfectly alright before it came and slapped me upside my head for me to catch a wake up? I remember being miserable during my ‘dark night of the soul’, but why did I have to go through all that just to reach deeper levels of misery than before? Is there ever an end to this backdrop of pain I need to confront?
And then there are moments where I feel I know exactly where I am, that I’m right on track, and that everything is unfolding exactly as it’s supposed to, and that I am completely happy in my life that I’m creating for myself. Even if the thing I want more than I’ve wanted anything is not here. I am still thankful for the lessons I learnt while on my journey to myself using the thing as a mirror for self mastery. That’s all everything ever is. An opportunity for us to meet ourselves in a new way and decide who we are going to be in response to it. From there, we get to make adjustments and implement change. I know exactly what’s going on and how to make the shifts. I love myself and who I’ve become and am so thankful for surpassing my challenges in a way that I grew from.
On any given day, we can just do our best. Some days, confused is going to be our best. It’s healthy to question and inquire within. Other days are going to be crystal clear and we’re going to feel steady, stable, and strong. Both kinds of days are ok. Just do your best to be gentle with yourself because you’re just a human.
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