My process seems to get louder and more stubborn as I move through life with each cycle. This past outer experience in my masculine energy was as intense. Intensely busy. Busier than I’ve been in my life. Although I thoroughly enjoy mastering the outside world, being productive, and having a sense of accomplishment at the end of each day with what I’ve done, I was so busy that my feminine energy was nowhere. I missed the depth of thought and feeling I access through her. The intuitive world she has access to. The flow of life she is part of. She is magic and a divine creatress. She is within all of us, whether we have a male or female body.
My process seems insane and completely unreasonable. At times, I am sure I’m the only one who experiences it to this magnitude, so please, if you experience it too, please let me know I’m not alone. Other people seem to be able to function and do things as they move from outer to inner space. They have kids and jobs and so they do what they have to do to keep their functional relationship with life intact… Others don’t move into inner space at all because of jobs and kids making such big demands on their beings that they aren’t able to go inward all that much and get stuck in their masculine energy just doing in the outside world. For me, the adjustment is non-negotiable, and working to balance my masculine and feminine energies is high on my priority list. It’s a work in progress.
As soon as I finished work to go on my month-long vacation at the end of March, my process began (without consciously knowing it) and I have been fighting it tooth and nail. As a result, I suffered until I realized what was happening and surrendered to it. Once I clicked what was happening and also that I had manifested everything that happened over the past month to get me to a space where my feminine energy could make a comeback (like I had asked life to help me with), only then I could relax into it and was happy to have her back.
However, I did forget that to bring her back, she needs vast space, silence, and stillness… sometimes for weeks without end, and if she doesn’t get what she needs, she can become wild, tempestuous, and angry. Like I did. Me not realising at first what was happening and resisting the process manifested as me being the exact opposite of active, and then being hard on myself for not doing anything. But no matter how much I told myself to go ‘do’ all the things available for me to do to enjoy life, I just wouldn’t budge from my bed. I was on holiday on a tropical island! And here I was not doing anything!
First, my inner feminine demanded my masculine stop and rest. Our feminine energy is always there, quietly watching from the background when she’s not in the forefront. We always have the option of listening to her quiet nudges. But when we don’t pay attention to the nurture and love she requires to feel seen, heard, regarded and honoured, the reality she manifests can be chaotic and loud, and she will create circumstances that force you into what’s needed.
Do What It Takes
In my case, I wasn’t listening. And so she created a reality that was necessary to get me to reconnect with myself. She wants to feel. She wants to cry. She wants to release. My resistance to reconnecting and going within and feeling was strong and stubborn after eight months of being in go mode full speed ahead. It didn’t seem useful while I was on an island holiday to celebrate my 40th birthday to lay around and do diddly squat in my feelings. And oh, how I blamed everything outside of myself for my unfolding situation, playing victim to my circumstances.
And then, one night, in the silence of the vast abyss she had brought me to, finally I heard life’s voice. It started slowly and then a few moments later the intuition and wisdom poured through me as I channelled my first message since beginning my phase of ‘doing’ at the beginning of summer. She was back! And it felt amazing.
Recognition of being back in my feminine and acknowledging what it takes for her to reemerge humbled me. There was no space or silence or stillness for her to just be and flow with the language of life before, and I remember consciously missing her gifts as I spent summer in the surface-level pools thinking and building life on the material surface. Here underneath, in the watery abyss of the feminine ocean of emotion, is where she comes back to life and weaves her intricate, enchanting magic…
After forced rest is manifested the reconnection to life comes, followed by creative energy not far behind. If you allow yourself to surrender to this process, you will find your being will take on new life with renewed energy. I woke up one morning after not wanting to do anything for weeks with the sudden urge to be creative. To bake, or paint, to write, or crochet. This is not the first time this has happened. It’s how I started my blog. Following the nudges to be creative further facilitates us finding our way back to ourselves, and allows the life force to flow through us to create in the outside material 3D world.
Take the time to trust your processes, especially if you’re not sure what’s happening at first. Take the time to be in your emotions, as uncomfortable as it may be. I chose to isolate myself so others around me didn’t have to withstand the shockwaves of my emotions hitting them head on. Our processes are personal experiences and shouldn’t affect other people negatively. It’s perfectly alright for you to excuse yourself from the company of others if you are feeling electrical from all the emotions flowing through you for release, as a form of self care and preservation of your relationships.
Do your best not to be hard on yourself for something you haven’t quite figured out just yet. You’re not a failure. There are bigger things going on that sometimes aren’t personal against you at all when your soul has a desire to live authentically and from heart-space, in its truth. It’s not going to look like anything that makes rational sense, and when the aspect of you that is in charge of your wellbeing says enough is enough, she doesn’t regard or respect what your busy schedule looks like, and doesn’t care that it’s not a convenient time to do the work. The chaos of the manifestation can be avoided in future if we learn to give her what she wants in small doses as she needs them. Often, all she asks for is a day or two off here and there, and usually it’s just to do nothing in peace and quiet so she can refuel.
If we choose not to listen to her for months or years on end because the 3D matrix is demanding every ounce of our energy and attention, she’s going to manifest a break down of some kind so you can lay the fuck down and get some rest or perform self-care until you’re back at a level she deems satisfactory.
It’s also wise to learn the lessons and consciously apply self-care regularly so that she doesn’t have to turn you into a hot mess with your life falling apart before you finally start looking after yourself.
I am super appreciative that my process unfolded when I had vacation from work after my contract ended for the summer. I see how life supported me and that everything I needed was brought to me for my highest good. I have had this process explode all over a reality that admittedly, I wasn’t fulfilled with but kept doing it because it was comfortable and I was getting paid well. Not long after that, I lost my job. Again, her manifesting a reality that worked for me and my best interests. After that I began a job that felt much more aligned with my purpose and being.
When It’s Over
But until then, until she decides, you can bet your ass she’s going to keep you on lockdown. To make the process easier, stock up on your favourite snacks, and revel in your undoing.
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