My observations of what it has brought up in me are thus:
- Leaping off of a cliff at a height great enough to kill you takes and enormous amount of braveness. That she would rather summon that amount of courage and do something as scary as jump off of a cliff instead of continue on with life is huge internal process to move through. The darkness must have been strong for her to opt out at all, let alone in such a spectacularly courageous way.
- I understand and have great compassion for where she must have been with her relationship with life and inside herself. I’ve threatened life with my death before. It was too hard for too long during a layer of awakening known as the ‘dark night of the soul‘, and in those moments, death had to be easier than life with the way things were, with no life raft in sight.It was my darkest time, and twice I felt like opting out. One night I threw a tantrum in my room in Muizenberg in 2015 and I was kicking and screaming and yelling at life saying “if you don’t make it easier, I’m going to go”. I reached out and told my dad how I was feeling though. And somehow, I started at least getting food easier but it was still really hard for a solid two years after that.If it weren’t for my dad’s voice inside my head telling me “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem“, and that as a conscious human, each moment is here to teach us who we are in response to something we are experiencing, I don’t know how else I would have made it out of those years I call ‘My Great Fracturing‘.
- I am somehow surprised, that as a conscious being who was incredibly intelligent and strong, that she opted out from using her pain to grow and expand, and alchemise the experience. Especially after how long and dark and deep my own spate of difficulty and instability, and apathy for life went on while life undid me.It didn’t occur to me that one would opt out even with the tools to turn our pain into our superpowers and turn our life around one small step at a time. Although the idea of immunity wasn’t a conscious one that held its ground in my mind, I assume it was there already, quietly waiting to reveal itself to me, since news of a conscious person’s suicide came as such a surprise.
- Unless, of course, the suicide was conscious and not to escape from pain. How can suicide be conscious? I’m not entirely sure I know the answer to that question. But I do know this:If we hold awareness that we tell ourselves stories in our minds about how we believe life to be, and then go about believing they’re true, and holding feelings about them, and then acting with those feelings, it’s easy to see how a devastating outcome can happen.But if we can break the cycles and and repattern with awareness, and foster self worth rather than self defeat, we can begin to tell ourselves new stories that build us up rather than break us down. Of course, easier said than done when you’re in a dark patch and having trouble pulling yourself out.
- In no way am I judging her decision. Her life, her choice. If I did judge her decision, I would be telling myself the story that suicide is wrong, holding emotions around that… and it would not be a very conscious determination by me. That human didn’t want to be here anymore, and that’s okay. It was her life to do with as she wished.And although I chose to be present and patient with my own pain and processes and by no means think ending your life is the answer, I choose not to hold judgement on how she chose to not cope or put herself in a place of peace from her pain rather than make peace with her pain.
- I am also aware there seems to be a deep-seated taboo around suicide for as long as religion has been around. Those who opt out are condemned to eternal damnation by religions, and getting recycled back into another life to live out the same experiences until the soul’s lesson is learned, is the stand point of other eastern philosophies. Buddhism and spirituality included. But if we don’t believe hell exists, and we don’t believe reincarnation happens, what is the calculated determination for those who take their own life in eyes of the conscious community?If our reality is a projection of our inner beliefs, and our consciousness is just here to decide, declare, become, fulfill, express, and experience so it can learn about itself… is our avatar’s decision to unplug and disconnect from this realm’s exotic safari of emotional experiences considered a failure somehow?
My pain and shadow processes were long and dark, but I made it through them by taking lessons and not losses. I chose to expand through the darkness and came out with self love, and a knack for cultivating and growing self worth through them. As my self worth has improved, so has the picture of my life and the stories I tell myself about my life, and the emotions I hold, as well as the actions I take with those emotions.
Even during layers of awakenings that I don’t quite understand while I’m in the middle of them and they’re confusing as hell, I trust that in good time, I’ll be able to look back and see what was happening at the time.
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