The year 2015 was the hardest year of my life. I’m telling you this deeply painful story so you can understand, when life squeezes you really tight:
- You’re manifesting the version of the lesson you need in the exact way that is going to be most effective in getting you to learn the fucking lesson.
- How tightly life squeezes you is showing you how much resistance you’ve been having to letting go of self-limiting behaviour and patterns so you can get to the next fruitful phase of your life.
- Life squeezing you that hard is giving you an opportunity to turn your pain into your own empowerment. If you have pain, there is a way you can empower yourself. IT will all be worth it once its done.
The Story Begins: Circa 2014.
At this portion of my life story, I had just moved to Cape Town, my own business had failed due to not yet knowing or understanding this city’s rhythms, I could not find work, and as a result could not afford to pay for my car or rent. This went on from December 2014, to June 2015.
I was behind on my car payments so much that I was on the verge of getting the car repossessed, which means I would have been more screwed. I needed the car to get to places that I found day jobs here and there at so I could feed myself, so the car payment was a priority over rent payment. Still, I didn’t know where I would be staying, or how I would pay for the accommodation.
Often for months on end, I would only have R50 a week for food. I somehow figured out that I could buy myself a big bag of oranges, two bunches of spinach, and a bag of sweet potatoes for that amount of money, rather than the other cheapest option: two-minute noodles. I recognised the importance of nutrition.
I would have oranges for breakfast, and then a combination of spinach and sweet potato mash for dinner/lunch. For weeks. If I was still hungry, I couldn’t have more because that meant I would need to go without on another day. If a friend came to visit, I couldn’t share, because this meant I would have to go without on another day.
At one point, I was so squeezed for food and a place to stay, I was certain I was going to be homeless and destitute. It was during this extremely dark time that my creative problem solving abilities started showing up to provide solutions, and food and shelter for me. I see how and why some people have no option but to steal so they can eat or make some money to put a roof over their head. But my integrity still managed to stay a priority for me.
I thought, “This is Cape Town, there are so many bed and breakfasts open during winter. Maybe I can offer to help some people run their guesthouse in exchange for accommodation.” I sent out a bunch of emails to guesthouses, and low and behold, one came back and gave me a chance. It was here that I learnt some of what I needed about running a guesthouse (which is part of what I do now in my life). It didn’t work out for me for long there though.
They weren’t paying me, but wanted me to be there 24/7, and I still needed to try and make money to pay for my car.
The next part of the journey is possibly the darkest part, which I will reserve writing in-depth on for another post because it is that extensive of a story.
But at that moment in my life, I did what I had to, to provide for myself, but with the intention of helping people. Life had other plans for me though, and nothing about that part of my life just went smoothly.
In 2012, while living in Johannesburg still, I had found myself hand delivered into the tantra community. As a highly-sexed and promiscuous young woman who left the media industry to run a high-end sex shop, Tantra was the best thing that could have happened to me. Tantra taught me to dive deep within my emotions for healing and also that there were people who were non-judgemental who I could share my experiences with, who gave great insight and perspective into what was going on, on a soul level. Things I had even suspected myself, but was now having confirmed by those further along their path than me (the elders). And because of how highly-sexed/promiscuous I was, I was quite at home diving deep into learning sacred and healing sexuality while I was at it.
So when life got dark and hard in Cape Town, I turned to Tantra there too in the hopes of learning something about what I was going through, and also finding spiritual tools to help me cope through the darkness. I was connected with a woman who had a tantra school in CT, and she was to train me as a tantra practitioner, where I would be able to make money helping people with higher level wisdom and sacred sexuality. It felt so aligned and so on purpose with where I was at in that phase of my life, that I didn’t anticipate that anything could go wrong.
At first it was a light in the dark tunnel. And then it became the dark tunnel.
My Lesson To Self Love, The Hard Way
Looking back, at that time, I was busy letting go of the old me, and had not yet figured out the new me, or learnt any self-worth, or self respect. I signed up with pure and beautiful intentions to help other people, and this woman — this wounded, distorted, wounded feminine figure — tried to make me a menu. Reframing everything to my naive mind to justify that what I was doing was going to help people and bringing healing to them, she taught me tantric massage, calling it ‘bodywork’. It wasn’t long before I noticed it was only men coming to see me for sessions and not so many women.
I also wasn’t comfortable with what she was directing me to do in sessions… Sorry, but doing a body slide naked on a man in the name of “healing” was not something I was prepared to do. I refused to do it, and she would get really angry and abusive.
When I tried to stand up for myself and tell her I didn’t want to do what she was asking me to do because it didn’t feel loving or honouring to myself, she skillfully shamed and manipulated me, telling me I was holding judgment for the people who wanted those things done to them. Still, I felt I had no choice because I still hadn’t found other work, and had to pay for my car. I agreed to do the massages, but not happy endings, and no body sliding. EVER.
At one point, I was so defiant, I told her that if she thought doing a naked body slide on a man niether of us knew was such a great idea, then she should go ahead and do the session herself, but I, would not.
At no point during that work doing tantric massage, for men and women, did I work to make anyone orgasm. For some people, orgasm was a byproduct, but not the end goal.
For others, well, they came in just for kicks under the guise of learning sacred sexuality, since tantra teaches us to let go of judgement and duality mentality. All these men wanted was to get off though. It was in these moments that my soul felt like it was screaming and when they asked me straight up for happy endings and I refused, some of them got hostile. One male restrained me to the massage table and wouldn’t let me go until I told him I was scared and was going to scream if he didn’t let me go.
When I told the woman who trained me what had happened, her answer was “sometimes the best thing we can do to protect ourselves is give them what they want”. This was a woman giving this advice to other women, and when I refused to do what she wanted me to do, she invited the clients back, at a discounted rate, with the other ‘practictioner’. So what I refused to do at full ‘value’, she was now forcing another woman to do at discount!
It was an extremely dark and confusing time for me. Figuring out the lines between judgement and discernment. It was an important lesson, and one I learnt the hard way
At that time, I started noticing my thoughts as I gorged on junk food and emotional eating as a coping mechanism. As I ate more and more unhealthy stuff that was packing on weight to my body, my thoughts were “it’s okay of I get fat, then those men won’t want to fuck me.”
Subconsciously, to protect myself, I was taking action to make myself undesirable physically. I also shut down my own sexuality because trauma.
What I learnt from this experience, about empowering myself, is that while I’m still doing the stuff that makes me suffer, I still have a willingness to live like that and that is what life is going to keep on bringing me. Those situations manifested to mirror to me who I was in response to those encounters and then it was up to me to get myself the fuck out once I decided the experience did not reflect self-care.
Completely the opposite of the loving, deeply caring spaces I began my journey with tantra with.
When it got to the point where I was in tears before each appointment, that was when the inner parent stepped in and decided to not live like that for a moment longer, and that I deserved to feel safe in my working environment.
I didn’t have another job lined up, but I wasn’t willing to live like that for another minute longer, and I walked away without a word of warning and blocked the fuck out of that woman pimping me out while reframing it as tantrika training.
As soon as I got myself out of harm’s way, and decided that I deserved better, life brought me work as an au pair. Looking after those two toddlers saved my soul! And from there I could slowly begin rebuilding my life again, finally understanding what self-love, self-respect, and self-care look like. As hellish as that walk through the underworld was, it showed me how to love myself and honour myself.
But that’s how much resistance I had to learning my lessons. Like I always say: we’re going to manifest whatever lesson we need in the most effective form it could be present it in, for maximum success. The path we’re most open to, that the message has the least resistance in getting to us.
And only once we have learnt the lesson, and begin believing we’re worthy of better because we finally love ourselves and care about ourselves, is life going to get better.
You Can Choose The Easy Way
I believe life gives us two options when it comes to learning lessons and getting us to where we need to be: the easy way, and the hard way.
We’re presented with the easy version of the lessons first, where we have the option to step into the shifts harmoniously and voluntarily when life asks nicely, and it always asks nicely first.
But if we’re stuck in ego patterns and we choose distraction, avoidance, numbing, or full blast hedonism over it, life is going to start hitting us with the hard lessons. The more resistance we have, the harder and more challenging the lessons are going to manifest.
Life is basically going to manifest a situation that feels like you’re being evicted from your old way of doing things.
At least that’s my experience of things.
I can remember having the opportunities for the easy way present themselves and I chose to party, and to look outside of myself, at each point.
I had severe resistance to my shifts and it took life unleashing my personal hell on me, and dragging me kicking and screaming, suffering, into the shifts a few times when I haven’t chosen the easy way.
If our soul has a will, it will manifest a way. It’s up to you to decide what level intensity it’s going to manifest as.
Either way, shift must happen.
You’ll be okay once your world has come crumbling down and learnt to love yourself and choose yourself, as long as you choose to take your pain and grow from it rather than spread it and hurt others.
to schedule a session with me online to explore your personal evolution or get personal guidance.
I can assist you in learning to:
*Raise your vibration, expand your consciousness, or manifest your desires.
*Transform and become a conscious creator and choice maker.
*Shift through your self-limiting beliefs and step into a fuller, more vibrant version of yourself, and live your happiest, healthiest, wealthiest, best life.